Last Tuesday, I endured a traumatic experience. I walked into Urban Outfitters and there, as if by fate, stood the most amazing sweater. My heart stopped and sped up at the same time. I broke out in hives. Basically, I had the typical response to seeing any absolutely stellar item of clothing. However, upon glancing at the ridiculously high price tag, part of me died inside. Yes, I am a clothing enthusiast, but I am also one of the most stingy people you will ever meet (though my mother begs to differ). And that, my friends, is why I shop at Goodwill.

The most common misconception of Goodwill is that it is impossible to find anything good among the rubbish. For many this is true, but it most certainly is not for me. I have a thrifting gift, if you will, and pride myself in the pure gold that has emerged from those dirty metal racks. Count yourselves among the lucky, Paly, because I am about to share my secrets with you.

The first key to Goodwill shopping is to never say no... immediately. If you see something that relatively catches your eye, even if it raises doubts upon closer examination, take it anyways! Goodwill is the epitome of not judging something by its cover. On a glorious occasion, your intuition will surprise you and you will have found a must-have.

If you do this correctly, you will automatically accomplish the second rule. In order to be a successful Goodwill shopper, you must grab as much as you can hold. There is comfort in numbers, ladies and gentlemen, and the more items you have the higher the chance of you finding something wonderful! The sign on the front of the changing room says you can only take in five items at a time, but luckily for you there are racks right outside to put the other 20 items while you try them on. Just make sure you have a friend guarding them — it is a sad, sad day when an employee takes your extras away.

The third and maybe most important key to striking gold is patience. For the best results, you must look through every piece on the rack, carefully deciding whether or not the item in question is suitable. This sounds excessive, and it is. Even I am not that thorough — but I am thorough! Goodwill is not like Urban Outfitters. You have to hunt for the good stuff, but that’s what makes it rewarding.

This fourth rule is not about ruthlessness and determination, but about manners. There is an etiquette for us thrifters, and I can think of many instances (yes, it’s personal) when it has been disgraced. If someone finds something, it is theirs! You cannot mope or beg because you think it would look better on you — just accept defeat and hit the racks. And on the opposing side, if you do decide to give a friend your find, you cannot take it back. Maybe they thought of a more creative way to wear it and turned an ugly smock into a gorgeous sundress, but that was their realization and therefore your loss. Lastly, do not forget the accessories. Half of my belts and bags (and trust me, there are many), have come from Goodwill, and a good percentage of the time they are actually really good quality. We can ignore the gorgeous skinny silver belt I got whose buckle broke off the first time I tried to put it on, and instead focus on the gorgeous Pollini (look it up, people!) bag I got for only $8.

But beware: excessive thrifting can be dangerous. You must remain alert for the inevitable arrival of what I like to call the Goodwill brain. After a certain amount of time spent browsing, trying on, and deliberating, you will find yourself getting ready to pick the final pieces to be bought. Now, as you read this, I am sure you would marvel at the fact that a dress at Goodwill (and yes, I have found a Vera Wang there) costs a mere $7. However, once surrounded by shirts, pants, jackets, and other dresses starting at $3, the former begins to look a little bit expensive. It sounds crazy, but many a time I have tossed aside $5 pants because they seemed too much. It will happen to you too.

So there you have it, my abridged yet still effective guide for the Goodwill shopper. There will be sweat. I have seen tears. You might even get some blood. Just don’t take all the good stuff, Paly, because I have taught you my ways and I call dibs.